he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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