I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
