tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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