Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
