Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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