then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
