I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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