I met the friendliest cop last night
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
