update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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