Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
