im drinking this country out of the recession.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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