it wasn't lemon gatorade
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
