Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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