Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
