i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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