Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
