Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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