If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
