i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
