Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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