I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
