Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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