The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
