You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
