ya dads aren't the best wingmen
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
