so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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