i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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