her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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