The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
