it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
