Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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