So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize