I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
