My liver just broke up with me...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
