I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
