My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
