i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
