All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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