I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
