i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
