i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
