I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
