Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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