Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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