Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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