Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The air was thick with penises
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
