I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize