I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just high enough for therapy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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