around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
