Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
