I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
