It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i will never coherently bang her
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
