Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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