Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
