that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My ass is underappreciated
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
