So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
