Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
