why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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