you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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