I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
