WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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