when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
