saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
