I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so let's talk penis.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
