Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
