I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
